At First Glance
by kaheels
Summary: GSR PrerelationshipBeginnings A night in a hotel on a case makes Grissom evaluate his feelings.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note - **This one's been bouncing around in my head for a while, so I finally decided to do myself a favor and get it out of there and onto paper, so to speak. It's written as a one shot, but I have an idea for a story to go around it if you guys like it and I can make it work.

Thanks to **Calypso** for pushing me to publish and for the beta work.

**Spoilers- **Nothing specific, it takes place early season 6. It resembles the original spoilers for Gum Drops.

**Disclaimer-** I don't own CSI or its characters, unless owning DVDs and a T-shirts gives me some sort of say in the fate of the characters, which I doubt. Too bad.

------------------------------------------------

At first glance, it seemed as if Grissom was watching the television. He sat at the edge of his hotel room bed with his hands on his knees staring intently ahead. A television sat within his line of sight in a standard issue entertainment center, but the screen showed only black. This lack of visual stimulation didn't fit with the rapt attention which Grissom was paying to the wall. There was, however, audio stimulation seemingly coming from the wall. A radio played a woman's twangy voice, but careful listening exposed another woman singing along.

On the other side of the wall, Sara sang along to one of her favorite songs absentmindedly as she thumbed through the case files one last time before going to bed. She was completely unaware of the captive audience that she held on the other side of the wall. She sang without thinking about it, it was simply a way for her to decompress before she slept.

A small smile played at the corner of Grissom's mouth. As the song picked up its pace, he could hear Sara more clearly. Another noise coming from behind him caused him to turn his head towards the other wall. The wall he was looking at now separated his room from Greg's room. Greg apparently didn't need to decompress before sleeping, as he was already snoring loudly. Grissom smiled fully now. When he was honest with himself, he knew that he cared about the people on his team. Nick's recent close call had forced him to realize that under less than ideal circumstances.

Grissom sighed as he looked back at Sara's wall. Again, when he was honest with himself, he knew that Sara wasn't just another member of his team. Who was he kidding? Even when he was completely delusional and deceiving himself there was no denying that Sara made him feel almost human in his emotions. Her effect on him had been such that it had threatened to destroy his carefully constructed world founded on logic. He had no place for strong personal emotions in his life. He had often considered himself to be a kindred spirit to Sherlock Holmes who famously told Watson, "Love is an emotional thing, and whatever is emotional is opposed to that true cold reason which I place above all things. I should never marry myself, lest I bias my judgment."

Grissom surely valued reason and logic and he knew that allowing emotions into his life would bias his views of the world. Still, he thought that he could flirt with Sara as he had with other women without upsetting his cool and rational existence, but he'd been wrong. Every moment he spent with Sara he could feel his reason slipping as his passion grew. Although he knew that Sara was his match, being confronted with such pure emotion frightened him in a way he could not bear.

He thought that denying his feelings and distancing himself from Sara would allow him to resume his emotionally aloof life. This new plan had failed even more miserably than the first. Watching Sara from afar as she flirted with Nick and Warrick and even Greg caused Grissom to be unceremoniously introduced to an even scarier emotion: jealousy. His jealousy had built into an unchecked and immature rage and vengefulness when Sara began dating Hank.

Jealousy, rage, and immaturity were even more unacceptable to Grissom than love so he decided that, although Sara upset his world, he didn't want a world without her in it. He had since put his energies into rebuilding a stable relationship with her. In doing so, he'd rediscovered what an amazing woman she was. He'd watched her grow as a CSI and face her own personal demons with strength, determination, and grace. He had been awestruck by how good and strong she was.

Grissom sighed as he realized that thinking of Sara was his new favorite past time. How pathetic was he to be staring at a wall as if it could be the object of his affection? He needed to figure out some way to restore balance in his delicate universe. Ever the scientist, Grissom looked at his experiences and came to a fairly simple conclusion. It was blaringly clear that this unique and beautiful woman stirred emotions in him no matter what he did about it. That's when it came to him, "Why not do something about it?"

He knew that he was probably too late in this simple conclusion. God, it was so simple. Why had it taken him so long? He suddenly felt that everyone had given him too much credit for intelligence when he had missed something so obvious right in front of him. Somehow he didn't care that Sara was probably long over him. He had to take a chance and tell her what he'd always felt. Even in the worst case scenario, if Sara rejected him he would be grieving instead of pining. Grieving was something he could do.

With sudden energy and passion, Gil Grissom stood and walked to the door, flexing and extending his fingers as he went. He took the four steps to place himself in front of Sara's door. Once in front of her door, Grissom took a deep breath and knocked three times. He heard as Sara stopped singing and the radio was turned off. After a few seconds, the door opened and she stood in the doorway wearing flannel pajama bottoms with smiley faces on them and a long sleeved T-shirt. Her hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail, allowing Grissom to fully take in her sculpted face without distraction.

"Oh, Grissom, hey."

"Hey."

He was momentarily silenced by how she managed to look beautiful in her lounging clothes. The strange look on Sara's face reminded Grissom that he'd just knocked on her door and it was therefore up to him to give a reason for their meeting.

"It sounded like you were awake," he began slowly. At this, Sara blushed a little, realizing that he had heard her singing.

"And I couldn't sleep." He continued, nodding in the direction of Greg's room.

Sara smiled as she looked down the hall in the direction of noises that could probably only be classified by people who worked with rockets or race cars. She hadn't told Grissom, in order to avoid awkward questions, but she had known of Greg's nasal noisiness. He had a tendency to fall asleep on car rides longer than fifteen minutes and she had more than once been privileged to have front row seats to Greg's symphony of sound. She looked back at her visitor and saw that his face was very serious and her thoughts turned to the reason they were all in this sad excuse for a hotel with paper-thin walls.

"Did you want to go over the case?"

He winced a little as he realized that Sara could only fathom him talking to her in a professional way. Then again, he had made sure she felt that way, so it was up to him to remedy that.

"No, actually, I just wanted to talk. . ." he looked past her into her room and saw the case files on her table, "Can I come in?"

The request sounded awkward and strained, yet, sincere. It struck her as odd. What could he possibly want to talk about, aside from the case? He had no reason to be worried about her personal life right now. She knew that their relationship had become more friendly in the past year or so, so she decided to keep it playful. She couldn't resist the easy opportunity for flirtation so she put on her coy, yet seductive face and asked,

"Grissom, did you just proposition me? We haven't even been on a date."

Grissom's eyes opened wide and he took a breath as if to speak. He stopped short and pursed his lips, not sure how to respond. Sara felt bad for derailing him so swiftly, but she couldn't help but feel smug that she'd left him speechless. She wasn't sure what he wanted to talk about, but he didn't seem close to bringing it up right then. She couldn't stand the awkward silence and desperately wanted to avoid saying anything stupid in trying to fill it. It was probably best to end this conversation before it went south and sent Grissom back into his womb that Simon and Garfunkel would envy.

"Actually, I was just going to turn in. It was a long day and we need fresh eyes on the case tomorrow. If it's not about the case, I'm sure it can wait until later," she said as she started to close the door and turn into her room.

Her evasion shocked Grissom out of his cowardice-induced silence and into action. He stepped forward and placed his right hand on the door frame and his left hand on the door. Surprised, Sara turned back and was struck by the urgency on her supervisor's face. He met her gaze earnestly and she knew. Suddenly she just knew, as women so often do, why he was at her door acting like a man without a voice. He was going to try to finally tell her how he felt about her. From the looks of it, he wasn't going to say that they were destined to be friends and nothing more.

"Listen, Sara, I. . ." he felt his courage wane as he looked into her piercing brown eyes and saw that they were challenging him, rather than encouraging him.

She didn't want to watch him ping-pong back and forth, and, most certainly, she didn't want to be talked into doting on Grissom again. She'd appreciated his friendship lately and was fully aware that she would always be attracted to him, but she had put her heart on the line for him before, only to be disappointed. She was in a good place emotionally and didn't want to let him mess with that. She quickly made the decision to stop him in the interest of self-preservation.

"Grissom, don't."

"No, Sara, you're not cutting me off this time," he blurted as his heart won out over his head. He looked into her eyes again and the intensity of his gaze both excited and frightened her.

"I know I'm probably too late. I'm probably, definitely too late. Maybe I'm just being a selfish coward, but, Sara, I'm ready to do something about this. It's all I think about. I know I don't deserve you, God that's why this scares me so much. I just keep thinking that some day, you would realize how much more you deserve and you would move on and I could grieve and get on with my life. I used to think I would prefer that you make that realization before I ever knew what it was like to have you. I was wrong, Sara, dead wrong. I want to take a chance. I'm willing to risk everything to be with you, even if only for one moment."

He stopped to gather his thoughts, but his confession had taken his well-ordered mind and turned it into something unrecognizable. He couldn't find a single coherent thought in his giant brain. Instead, he stood there watching her, slightly out of breath from the fear and anticipation of the moment.

Sara wanted to tell him he was late, but not too late, but she couldn't. His eager words were sincere, but she knew Grissom, and she knew that this was a rare emotional moment for him. It was inevitable that his logic would take over again and his brain would overrule his heart, in the process discarding her heart. She wasn't willing to expose herself anymore. She had to convince him that she was serious, when all she wanted to do was fall into his arms. She took a deep breath to focus her thoughts and steadily returned his gaze. If she wanted to pull this off, she had to keep it succinct.

"You're right, Grissom, it's too late."

Her gaze was strong, but not strong enough. Even as the words left her mouth, she could feel his eyes penetrate through hers and see right into her mind. The thought of him seeing what she really felt frightened her and she dropped her gaze in order to avoid his all-knowing eyes.

Her words hit him like a wave of cold water and his heart fell. But there was something in her eyes that flashed for just an instant before she had looked down. Typically, the entomologist was not great at reading people, but somehow he knew that Sara's eyes were saying something different. He knew he wasn't really too late, that Sara didn't really want to walk away from him. He also knew that she was afraid to allow him entrance into her heart. He looked at her there in front of him, carefully examining his shoes, and saw her in a way he had never seen her before. She looked scared and vulnerable and Grissom knew he was partially responsible. He had done nothing to deserve her trust. However, at that moment, he wanted nothing more than to earn it.

They stood there in that posture for several interminable minutes: Sara reading the carpet and Grissom reading her intently. Sara fought the urge to look up, knowing that Grissom was still studying her. She opened her mouth to end the conversation and go back behind her emotional walls but was stopped short when she felt a soft pressure against her chin.

Grissom had seen Sara make the decision to end their tryst. He was half-tempted to let her do just that, as this was proving to be one of the most difficult things he had ever done. Perhaps that was because Sara Sidle was the only person he had ever known who made him feel nervous or self-conscious. Looking at her, he knew that dropping this was not an option. He had made his decision that he needed her, and he was never going to change his mind.

He stepped forward and moved his right hand from the door frame and placed his index finger on her chin. His tender touch electrified her into paralysis and she couldn't help but obey the gentle pull of his finger on her chin as he brought her head up to meet his gaze. She didn't want to look into his eyes and expose herself, but she found her eyes automatically seeking his, without the permission of her consciousness. When her eyes met his piercing blue ones, her heart started jumping in her chest and she couldn't breathe. In his eyes, she saw something she never thought she would see. Sara looked at Grissom and saw in the way he looked at her – complete adoration. No, not just adoration, but protectiveness and, and could it be, love?

She felt his finger trace along her jaw to the back of her neck, where he snaked all of his fingers beneath her hair, leaving his thumb on her cheek. He pulled slightly with his fingertips and she felt her head tilt to the left. Grissom slowly leaned in, tilting his head to the left. He gently stroked her cheek with his thumb as he moved his gaze to her lips. He wanted to move his left hand from the door and place it on the small of her back in order to draw her to him in a grand romantic gesture, like Clark Gable might do. Unfortunately, it was taking all of the courage and romance in his body to move in to kiss the beautiful woman before him.

Sara wanted to stop him, to protest before he kissed her and she lost herself to him forever. She instead found herself looking at his looming lips and then closing her eyes in preparation for a kiss. He closed the small gap between their lips and gently pressed his against hers. As soon as their lips touched, Grissom felt every sensation in his body for what seemed like the first time, and he knew. He knew that he could lose himself in her forever. He could never look back.

Sara was taken aback by the pure feeling in Grissom's kiss. For a man defined by logic and reasoning, Gil Grissom certainly kissed with great emotion. Sara lost herself in the kiss and quietly hoped that it would never end for fear that, when it ended, Grissom would regret it. And yet, deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, she felt in that kiss that Grissom would never regret this moment. Just as she was beginning to feel secure in their forbidden kiss, he pulled back and let out his breath.

He could taste her on his lips, and the smell of her shampoo swirled around in his head, making him dizzy with desire.

She was afraid to open her eyes and end the moment, but she felt Grissom's hand move from its position behind her neck and begin moving across her shoulder and down her left arm. She opened her eyes and saw a slight smile take over Grissom's whole face as he realized how he had surprised her. He looked down as his hand finished its descent down her arm and reached her hand. He absent-mindedly traced her fingers with his as he looked back up at her. His face had resumed its serious and intent conformation and Grissom spoke with a renewed sincerity.

"Sara, can I come in?"

Somehow, Sara knew that he wasn't propositioning her. She also knew that she wanted him to come in. She wanted to spend every moment with him. She didn't say anything, but stepped back to allow him entry into her room.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN**: So I know it's been an inordinate amount of time since I updated this. I honestly wasn't even sure I wanted to continue it, I liked the story as a one shot. But this little bit nudged itself into my brain and I couldn't get it out, so I finally put it into print to get it out of my head. I'm still not sure if I see this as a WIP, it feels pretty complete to me, but the next scene could start burrowing its way into my brain over the next four years, so you never know : )

Oh, and I definitely have no real claims to CSI. Things would be a lot different if I did.

Even though the hotel door was rigged to swing closed on its own, Sara took her time quietly closing it, if only to avoid turning around to face Grissom. She was reasonably certain that he hadn't come to her hotel room for a 'booty call', and his kiss had been sweet , not urgent. Still, the thought of being alone with Grissom in a hotel room that wasn't a crime scene was setting her on edge. Her hand lingered on the door handle as she struggled to compose herself enough to face him. Truth be told, she was fighting the urge to shove him onto the bed and see where it went, but she couldn't get over her fears that this was a moment of temporary insanity for Grissom. No, she thought as she bought herself another second by carefully closing the security bar, she didn't want to rush into this physically until she was reassured that Grissom really did know what he wanted out of their relationship.

Having made up her mind, she put on a face she hoped was stern but kind and turned around. Or at least she tried to turn around. Grissom had taken her moments of hesitation to slowly inch closer to her, drawn in by her scent and her shape. By the time she made to face him, she practically stuck her nose in his mouth. The proximity vaguely reminded Grissom of that time the previous year when she'd asked him to pin her down. The eroticism of his memories coupled with the intimacy of the moment were too much for him. He put his arms on the door on either side of her waist, effectively trapping her there, and hungrily captured her mouth with his before she could even realize what he was doing. She was bringing her arms to his chest to push him away and chastise him when he moved his hands from the door and brought them both to her head, instead using his body to pin her firmly against the door.

Sara was so surprised she had to remind herself that she was mad. She told herself to end this, to play a little hard to get, make him prove himself. It's not that she wanted to play games or make him pay, she wanted to protect herself. Damn, who knew Grissom was such a good kisser? Her need to resist fell by the wayside as he bit her lip and she opened her mouth to suck in a breath.

He took this as an invitation to taste her, and she wasn't about to tell him otherwise at this point. His right hand quickly made its way down to the small of her back and he pulled her so hard into him that he lifted her slightly off her feet. That did it, Sara was lost. She regained her footing and turned and pushed him so that his back was now on the wall next to the door. He was at her mercy now as she snaked her hands up to play with his hair and beard as she deepened the kiss and greedily enticed his lips apart with her tongue. She was so eager, she thought she might pull his hair clean out by the roots. Instead, she put her hands back on his shirt and pulled him with her as she backed up towards the bed.

They clumsily tried not to break the kiss. They had apparently misjudged where the bed was as they ran into it rather forcefully and Sara fell onto the bed. Grissom took a moment to look at her there before continuing. She was so beautiful with her flushed cheeks and her tousled hair. Damn that, she was sexy. He was ready to climb onto the bed and take this encounter to its inevitable conclusion when he looked into her eyes. His moment of hesitation had been just enough time for her to wonder why he had stopped. Panic and an intense fear of rejection flashed in her eyes and he didn't miss it.

He took a step back.

"God, Sara, I am so sorry," he practically whispered it.

The intense feeling of blood rushing to her core was replaced by the extremely unpleasant feeling of bile rising in her throat. She should feel glad that he stopped them, she knew she wasn't ready to sleep with him, but she only felt all of the rejection she'd felt at Grissom's hand in the past six years come crashing over her. She opened her mouth to tell him off and kick him out of her room, but she choked on her words. She couldn't speak without audibly sobbing.

His heart fell when he saw her bite back a cry and he realized what he'd done to her. He quickly sat down on the bed next to her and took her hand in his.

"Honey, I don't want to stop. Trust me, I want to . . . I. . .I want you. But, I really didn't come over here to take you to bed."

"You could have fooled me," she spat out quickly before the sob could escape her throat.

"I don't know what came over me. No, that's a lie, I know exactly what came over me. Sara, how in the hell do you look and smell so good after the day we had today?" He wanted to compliment her to reassure her.

"Oh, so it's my fault that you practically assaulted me?" Sara was fuming, her tears were no longer a concern. She was more worried about killing him.

"No, well, yes and no." Sara raised an eyebrow at that, Grissom plowed forward before she could yell at him again. "I was out of line. It was presumptuous and un-gentlemanly. But, Sara, you have no idea how long I've been wanting to do that. You. . . you enchant me. From the day I met you, you've affected me in a way nobody, nothing ever has. When I look at you, when I think about you, my whole logical world comes crashing down and the only thing that makes sense is how much I want you. I don't just mean that I want you physically. I want YOU. I want everything you offer. I want your mind, I want your heart, I want your kindness and generosity, I want your ferocity and stubbornness, I want your resilience. . . I want your passion." He lowered his voice as he finished and realized how much he had just given up. He suddenly felt uncharacteristically vulnerable; he found himself clutching to her hand to try and anchor himself.

"Griss, that is. . ." she struggled to come up with a response. She was still reeling a bit from the panic and anger of only moments before, but his words and the way he was squeezing the blood out of her hand gave her pause. ". . . that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. But, why now? I mean, you talk like you've wanted to be with me for a while. You had to know I was interested in you. I didn't exactly hide it. I've been in Vegas for six years. Why did you pick today to show up at my door? Was it just because it happened to be so close to yours tonight? What's going to happen tomorrow when my door isn't so conveniently located?" Her words took on a rough tone. She was getting worked up thinking about all the years of having her emotions yanked around like a yo-yo. "Why is it that tonight, I'm suddenly worth the risk?" The bite in her words only slightly masked the tremor in her voice.

Grissom's face showed equal parts surprise and devastation and Sara knew that her words had found their mark. He was fumbling to find the words to reassure her, but true to himself, he just stared at her helplessly.

Not ready to back down when so much was already on the line and feeling some sense of justice in upsetting Grissom, Sara plowed forward. She stood up, dropping his hand as she raised her voice slightly. "I was there Grissom. I watched you tell that murdering bastard all about us. How you couldn't risk everything to be with me. I can't believe you could sit there and tell that creep how you feel about me and you can't even look me in the eye right now. Is that all I am to you, Grissom, something young and beautiful to offer you a bit of human contact? Some piece of ass to make you feel human for one night? Well then, let's do this. Go on, finish what you started. But don't act like it's some huge risk to use me like this."

Grissom's shame was rapidly growing into anger. How dare she act like she knew what he felt, what being here meant to him? He stood up to meet her. "You think that I just want to use you. Damn it Sara, if that were the case I wouldn't have stopped us a couple of minutes ago. Don't you realize why it's so risky for me to be with you."

"If you spout some line about your job and your career, you can save it. . ."

"MY CAREER! You seriously think I've been watching you and wanting you and not having you for six years because of my career? I chose you over the lab when I brought you here." Grissom took a breath and lowered his voice "God, Sara, I'm not scared of losing my job. I'm scared of losing you."

The pathetic look on Grissom's face was enough for her to understand his sincerity, but not enough to completely quell her anger. Regardless, she lowered her voice. "You really do think I'm like Debbie Marlin, don't you? That I'll forget you the moment a handsome face looks my way? I hate to break this to you Grissom, but there are men out there who find me attractive. I even get hit on from time to time. I've met lots of handsome guys, but here I am, still doting on you with no encouragement. If I were you I'd be more worried about my unhealthy attachment to you than whether or not I'll stick around"

"Sara, it's not you I doubt. I know you're loyal. It's me. I'd make a terrible boyfriend. I'm old and I'm set in my ways. I'm withdrawn and uncommunicative. I have strange habits. I'm incapable of showing and sharing emotions. I don't care who you are or how much you care about me, I'll manage to drive you away eventually. I always do." He turned his back to her, as if to emphasize his point that he couldn't share emotions.

The sight broke Sara's heart. She put her hand on the back of his shoulder. "You want to talk about bad track records with the people we care about Grissom, you don't have to look much farther than this room. I think you know enough about my past to realize that I have plenty of reasons to be scared of getting close to someone. And you don't even know the half of it. I'm not going to sit here and tell you about all of the times I had my heart broken, just know that I have. Know that before I met you at that conference I had closed off my heart. But you changed that. In spite of everything, all the shit you've put me through, I still know that I'm willing to put my heart on the line for you. I care that much, and somehow, I know, you'll take good care of it."

Grissom spun around and pulled Sara into a tight embrace. "Sara, that means so much to me. Nobody has ever trusted me that much before."

Sara pulled back to look into his eyes, "Does that mean that maybe you could learn to trust me?"

"I wouldn't have come here tonight if I didn't trust you, honey. It's just, I've had a lot of years of solitude to build my walls high and thick. It might take me a while to deconstruct them."

Sara smiled, "Or maybe I could just climb in there with you"

Grissom gently kissed the smile off her face.


End file.
